Traveling Mind

Last night I woke up screaming. I sank deep into a very disturbing dream that held me in a captive terror and shook me to the core. I say I woke up screaming, yet I’m not sure I was even awake.

I remember trying so hard to open my eyes and it was as if they were glued shut and I remember a gripping need to surface, to escape, to come to the top so I could find some air to breathe. At the same time there was an almost just as desperate need to stay within the context of the dream so I could try to fix things or at the very least understand.

Today I can’t explain what it was all about except for the knowing that there was a woman, a man and a child in the scene and something was very wrong. I heard the scream that came from deep down in my chest although I couldn’t identify the words formed.

I felt the presence of someone jumping to my rescue, holding me, touching me, saying something softly, close yet so far away in the distance. Almost at the same time I felt a weight land on my chest and I wanted to jump up and scream but just as quickly realized it was holding me down purring and it felt safe in an odd kind of way.

This morning Andree tells me how she tried to wake me. How I screamed out the word, “mom” with a cry that pierced through the night and that even though she half woke me, she couldn’t get me to open my eyes or to bring me to a complete state of awareness. It’s strange where the mind goes when one goes to sleep at night leaving nothing but residual traces of a journey traveled but that I have no idea where to or why.

As I sat down to write this morning, I felt I was still on shaky ground as I tried to catch what seemed like a zillion thoughts racing through my head. In my journal I wrote about the car that drove by with Alberta license plates. That led me to write about wanting to run out holding my own for sale sign to lure them to come and see my place as well. From there my mind traveled to thoughts of living in Alberta likely linked to the job application I sent off for a job out there the night before. My mind then shifted back and forth from the need to fix our roof, to the need to earn more money followed by my ever growing need to spend more time working on my writing. I wondered how it’s possible for the two to work together in tandem and how it doesn’t seem possible unless someone adds more hours to the day.

I know what I want to do and what I am determined to keep doing no matter how many more false or real things try to pull me away. I will keep on with the writing and leave the rest in the hands of the universe trusting that there will be a way. I know where my priorities need to be and I trust the rest will fall into place as I keep moving forward with this knowing. There are other things that sit on the edges of my mind but I’m learning to drop those down on my morning pages and to stay focused on what makes me feel passionately alive at the end of the day.

Yesterday was a much needed day of connection and of filling up the well, as we started off our day by attending the service at the Center for Spiritual Awareness and followed that by visiting an art show and walks to soak in the gifts of nature, first at Gellately Nut Farm and then at Hardy Falls. I came back home and felt like my cup was running over from the travels of the day.