Reflections

The last sentence in my journal from the day before says: “Andree comes home tomorrow. Yippee!”

I was doing some reflecting, maybe a little bit more than usual while I was on my own, and I thought - I could. I could live on my own. It wouldn’t be the end of the world, but it sure as hell wouldn’t be as interesting, as challenging, as life giving or as thought provoking as sharing my life with somebody else.

Pumpkin doesn’t offer much feedback to my conversations and her interaction time with me is like clockwork. It revolves around her treat in the morning and her treat in the evening. Apart from that she pretty much waits for me to suck up to her, and even then, she might or might not give me a purr depending on her disposition in the moment.

So yes, I could live on my own, I have done it before, and I could do it again, but I don’t desire to. Nor do I desire to have a relationship that is enmeshed with another to the point where there is no individuality left. Where I no longer know where I begin and the other ends. Where my vision becomes blurred of what I like or dislike, what I think or don’t think, where to go and when or how to get there. I would lose myself in that, wilt like a sunflower yanked from its roots and lead an empty, inconsequential existence, dependent, like a puppet on a string.

There is of course a plus side to everything. Alone I look forward to a bed with crumpled up blankets I can burrow my way into and feel like I’m snuggled from every angle. I can, (although it’s not always the best thing), have chicken noodle soup for breakfast and fruits and desert for supper, I can decide in a split second to go browse at the mall, discover a new biking trail, or dig in the dirt in the backyard. I don’t have to worry about what I do or how I do it, like which way I put the toilet paper roll on the holder, because there’s no one else I have to consider, that I might tic off by my decision.

At the same time there is no one beside me who I can surprise, or do things for and that’s something that’s part of my nature and makes me feel like the sun is shining even though it might not be. Something like running out to get a coffee from the gas station a few blocks away to bring to her this morning because there’s not more coffee in the house and I didn’t get any because I tend to avoid grocery shopping when she’s gone. Now there’s one of those statements that leave me feeling like I’ve lied. Let me retract that. I don’t avoid grocery shopping when she’s gone. I avoid grocery shopping all the time. Hate it in fact. Grocery shopping along with cooking is not some of my favourite pass times. I’m deeply appreciative and grateful to the fact that I share my life with someone who doesn’t mind doing these things. It’s awesome that some of my strengths are her weaknesses and some of my weaknesses are her strengths. It makes for a smoother sail down the river of life for sure.

It’s not that we live this life of perfection where nothing ever goes astray. We’re often groping around wondering what’s next, or how to attack what’s on our plates, and from what angle. For sure, sometimes it would be a whole lot more simple to just do our own thing, not worry about the other and just go about our merry way, but then it wouldn’t be what I have today – a feeling of contentment, support, understanding and a knowing that Pumpkin can just be Pumpkin and I don’t begrudge her in anyway.