I often give myself time to question and explore. In fact I think my problem is not so much that I don’t question and explore but maybe that I do it too much. Every day. I write. I question. I ask. I search. I explore. I dream. Yet I don’t have a real focal point because there’s too much coming at me. Too many possibilities. Too many areas of interest. Too many ideas I want to see come to fruition. I feel like a monkey swinging from one tree to another never gravitating to any particular one.
I would like to have only one thing – one area of interest to totally give all my efforts to. I want to be focused on one path instead of darting off on the different side roads that take off from the one I’m on. I want to be immersed – not have my fingers in a whole bunch of pies.
When someone asks me what I do, I’d like to be able to say: I’m a counsellor who specializes with women issues and therapeutic writing. Or, I’m a writer who’s writing a memoir. Or, I’m someone who gives private and group retreats for people. I want to be totally wrapped up in one thing and to be able to give 100% of myself to that cause. I’m tired of feeling like I can’t be successful because my energy is scattered. I’m tired of feeling pulled in many different directions and feeling like I don’t do justice to any one thing.
I think I’m acting out of fear. I’m trying to keep a whole bunch of avenues open out of a need for safety or security, so that if one thing fails or I make a wrong choice, I won’t fall flat on my face. But being spread out in many different directions keeps me from giving my all, from being passionate and true to myself and what my deepest needs and desires are.
I don’t want to try different things anymore. I’ve done that a lot. I’ve traveled that road. What I want now is to decide, to make up my mind as to what is most important. I want to clean the closet. Get rid of what doesn’t fit, of what is worn out, of what is no longer useful. I want to find out what I’m passionate about and to go after it, to follow that path with all my heart, all my energy and all my time.
3 comments:
I hear you, Annette! Settling on the one thing that I'm passionate about has been an elusive dream and, if you figure out how to choose, will you please let me know?
Cheering you on from Georgia,
Paula
Hi Annette,
Reading this made me think that you really do have a focal point. All of your passions grow on the same tree. The tree of helping women (and that includes yourself)tell their stories. Each branch of this tree finds women who need different ways to find and write their stories. Once the main branch matures and become strong, new branches will grow keeping the strength of the tree in tact. It's when the tree is new and sprouting that so much effort is put into making it strong but once the tree is solidly in place, it leaves room for stepping back and admiring the beauty of it all. Whatever you do, it always helps others. Councelling, classes, retreats, journaling your own stories; they all help and you need to keep yourself strong in order to continue this beautiful journey. Take time for yourself. That's the key. Not just and hour or a day but perhaps a whole month would bring you a clearer picture of your journey. Well, there is a lot of words. Not sure if they help or what they even mean, but I know you have a vision and you are on a journey that becomes overwhelming with it's diversity but you will figure out.
love always,
Phillis xoxoxo
Hi Paula and Phillis. Thank you so much for reading and for taking the time to leave your comments. It's always rewarding to know that others are listening to the words we write. I like the image you give of a tree Phillis and I will certainly let you know whatever I can once I gain more clarity in this myself Paula.
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