An Intimate Conversation

Me: Dear Wise One: I need help. I’m confused and I must admit somewhat scared. Okay. Maybe quite a bit scared. I’m sitting in my living room right now and watching eh smoke escape from my neighbour’s chimney. It comes out in little puffs of white swirly smoke, at first very identifiable and in seconds as it goes a little higher, dissipates into the air leaving no trace of it even having been there. It disappears into nothing – it’s gone. That scares me. I don’t want to disappear like that. I don’t want to fade into the background as if I never was. You know what I mean?

Wise One: Yes, of course, you want to count, to be remembered, to leave a mark, to not be forgotten.

Me: Well, yes. I suppose so, in the bigger picture of things that would be nice. Sort of like the end result but you know what? That’s not the immediate fear or the compelling need that won’t leave me. That need is like a child pulling on my pant leg and demanding my attention right NOW!

Wise One: Bend down.

Me: What?

Wise One: Bend down. Listen to the child; perhaps she has a message for you. What is she saying?

Me: She doesn’t care, not about the end result, not in terms of being or not being forgotten anyway. She just wants a chance to be without all the "what-if’s", the rules and regulations, the fear of failure, the curfew’s, the doubts, the what will people think, the how will it work out. That whole enchilada plus the wanting to know everything from start to finish and being able o figure out if it’s worthwhile or viable, or a good investment, or the right thing to do, or the right time, or place, or if it should even exist. She doesn’t care about any of that. She just wants to be, and to do without all those sticks poked in her wheels to block her from being.

Wise One: No wonder she’s screaming and trying to get your attention. What are you waiting for – for her to yank your pants off?

Me: Well, no – but.....

Wise One: Getting ready to throw another stick are you? What else does she have to say? Listen..........

Me: She says, “Remember the statement you once heard, the one that always makes you tear up?”

Wise One: What statement is that?

Me: I was about to tell you. It’s the one that says something like – “the point of life is not to die full, but to live full and die empty.” Goodness, it makes me tear up just to write it down.

Wise One: Why is that do you think?

Me: Because, it’s so much what I want for myself, to live life fully and sometimes I feel like I’m standing on the shore and watching the ship pull out of harbour without me. I’m sacred that ship will disappear into the distance just like the smoke from my neighbour’s chimney. It scares me that I might be missing that ship, that I’m not living my full potential.

Wise One: And what’s that about living your full potential? What does that mean for you?

Me: You know it has nothing to do with being on center stage or being in the lime light.

Wise One: It doesn’t?

Me: No, in fact that part scares me. In fact that’s what that kid pulling on my pant leg is trying to tell me. It’s not about “looking” good, or doing the “right” thing or even being “known.” It’s about doing what feels right for her – I mean.... me....er.... This is getting confusing.

Wise One: No, it’s not. At least not to me it isn’t. She, the little one pulling on your pant leg, she is you, a big part of the adult you. What else does she say?

Me: That she wants to die empty – whether that’s today, tomorrow or 40 years from now.

Wise One: Do you agree with this, with her?

Me: Absolutely! I feel like it would be such a waste of my life if I don’t use what I’ve been given. If I don’t put it out there, share it, use it, make “it” known, whatever “it” happens to be.

Wise One: So what stops you from doing that? What do you need to make that your reality?

Me: What stops it are all those darn sticks I throw at myself, that plus the fear of missing the boat.

Wise One: So how about if you harness this kid’s potential and knowing? How about if you listen to her, bend down, pay attention to what she’s saying?

Me: I suppose I could.

Wise One: That doesn’t sound very powerful or very convincing. What do you need from her?

Me: I need to trust her. I need to ride on her shirt tail. I need to keep in mind that her voice is pure, is real; it’s untarnished, untouched by my adult fears and doubts, that her voice is the voice of love, of Spirit, of truth. I need to know how to pay attention to her, to learn to listen, to trust, to hear, to allow. But – most of all – I need to know that she (this child) in the form of Spirit, is always there, that I am not alone, that this relationship can be and is my source of strength. I need to k now I can grab on to that and move forward to where I need to go and I need to pick up any sticks that get in my way and toss them aside.

Wise One: And what would happen if you worked together as a team?

Me: Just the thought of it gives me goose bumps, gives me power. It also scared the hell out of me but it feels like it’s what I need in order to be true to myself. I need to harness her passion, her knowing, her willingness to be, to own who she is, to have a voice!

Wise One: There’s a lot there. Anything else?

Me: Yes, I need to know, to feel, to believe, to move forward with the knowledge that I will always be assisted and supported in moving forward no matter what I face. I know I’m not alone but I sure haven’t been acting that way lately otherwise I’d be off to the races. No, what I’ve done is shy away. I’ve doubted. I haven’t trusted. I need to remind myself constantly. I need to bend down and listen to the callings and to feel supported. The Universe is a friendly place inviting me to be.

Wise One: Is that it?

Me: No. I just had a huge revelation, an epiphany.

Wise One: Oh.

Me: As a child, my Universe was my mother but my mother was too needy or too busy “doing” instead of “being” therefore I internalized that the Universe wasn’t a safe place to be. I internalized that who I am and what I had to say wasn’t important. The hell it was! What I have to say IS important!