The Gift of Centering

I need to find my center. I feel as if the rug has been pulled out from under me.

I asked Spirit, the Creator, to take my mother. Now I would like to ask that she be given back to me.

I miss seeing her. I miss feeling her physical presence and feeling like my presence mattered, perhaps even made a difference to her. I miss washing her face with a warm face cloth, feeding her lunch, tucking her into bed and kissing her goodnight.

I miss watering her plants, washing her clothes, pushing her in her wheel-chair and bringing her to see and smell the flowers. I miss her witty remarks and her iron grip hands. I miss styling her hair and watching how she loved to suck back an A&W Root Beer.

I miss her reaching out with trembling hands to do up every single button on my shirt right up to my neck. I miss treating her from her stash of chocolate rose buds and chocolate mints.

I miss all the things she could not give me like touches, “I love you’s”, protection, undivided attention and time. And I miss all the ways she made up for what she could not give, by giving what she could – a constant care of my physical needs delivered through freshly washed and ironed clothes, homemade chocolate and lemon meringue pies, and a constant worry and concern about my well-being and that I made out okay in life.

I miss our arm-wrestling days of eons past and our shared laughs about it in more recent times. I never thought I’d say this, but I even miss the closed off distant, surface person she once was and I also miss the more genuine, real, open person you had become.

I know there are many times when I swore I would never make the same mistakes as her – that I would make different, better choices and walk my own path. And I did. And I’m proud of that. But as I look back I realize that my own path wasn’t necessarily free of mistakes either and that likely my own children are at this very moment saying, they too will learn from my mistakes and walk a different path. I suppose that’s how it should be. One generation learning from another in order to create more balanced individuals living their life as fully as they possibly can.

The thing is I didn’t only learn from her mistakes. I also learned from her strength, determination, stubbornness, will-power and resilience to bounce back which made her who she was and from those strengths I learned that when I fell down, I could pick myself up and keep going. I learned that where there’s a will, there’s a way. I learned that if I looked hard enough, I would find what it takes. And I also learned that although all these things were her greatest strengths they could also be, and very often were, her greatest downfall and that this rule also applies to me.

I asked Spirit to take my mother so she would no longer have to suffer. He did and for that I’m happy. I asked Sprit to give her back to me – and he gave me my words to bring her home to me.

I can feel my center where she resides in me.