Well, it may still not be very warm but at least the sun is out this morning. Let’s hope it stays out and warms up the day. I’ve perched myself up on the cupboard by the kitchen window just so I could sit in the sun. Even Pumpkin who is usually always seeking out the shade is looking for some sunshine this morning. She’s taken up residence on the window by the table, the next closest to me.
Summer is sure taking its good old time to show its face, not only around here but everywhere. It’s worse in other places. In Edmonton, Peace River country and many places in Alberta they were still experiencing winter. Snow on the May long weekend and up until yesterday. It’s absolutely ridiculous. If we take a look at the bigger picture, I do believe as humans we had something to do with that.
I had a good visit with Mom yesterday. It was nice but in a strange weird sort of way. I sang songs with her. Not that this would be such a big deal for someone else, for mother and daughter to do that together, but it was something totally out of character and out of the norm for both my Mom and me. We never ever sang at our house. Never. Not out loud anyway. None of us ever had a really nice voice that could hold a note like some people do but then none of us ever had a chance to practice much either.
So yesterday when I went to visit Mom at the home where she lives, I took her over to the other wing where they have the people who are more mobile and the people who have dementia and Alzheimer’s. Every now and then I take my time and stroll down the hallways while pushing her in her wheelchair and I take her to visit the colourful salt water fish in the huge aquarium.
As I was getting closer I could hear a lot of activity around the TV area and as I got closer I discovered they had a DVD playing with all kinds of old songs and a lot of the residents were gathered around singing along to these old songs. What I saw was magical. Even the folks who I’ve never seen speak a word or those who speak but only mixed up words as if they were tumbling around in a clothes dryer were singing and they hardly missed a beat or a verse. There were even two ladies who whistled along like a couple of canaries in the middles of a bright sunny day. There were smiles on everyone’s faces and they were clapping at the end of each song until the next one came on.
I turned around to look at Mom and she had her eyes closed and she was trying to sing along. So I took her closer into the circle and I sat down beside her, held her hands in mine and tapped along to the beat of the song. When the next song came on I started singing out loud and she piped in with me, most of the verses coming to her as if they’ve always been there waiting for the opportunity to be set free. Oh Susanna! She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain! Goodnight Irene! I’ve Been Working On The Railroad!
I looked at one of the staff members and I said; “This is bloody amazing.” She responded with; “It’s in here,” as she put a hand over her chest, “It’s in their heart.” And so I sat there with Mom until the sing along was finished, both her and I singing songs together, something neither of us have ever done before. Those are the kind of moments that are special that I sometimes get to share with her now - moments when she is who she is and it’s okay. Moments that I think I’ve always waited for and so much needed to see, but they were never there to see. Moments when I get to see the real her, the person she was always meant to be but always hid, behind the rules of conformity, the need to do the right thing, the old adage of, “don’t rock the boat,” act like a lady, watch what you say and what you do and the fear of what people will think and say.
Every day she worked hard at fitting herself into a mould she thought she needed to fit into until she had no idea who she was anymore. I kept looking for the real her and I couldn’t find her. She was hidden behind a wall of pretence, of unspoken words, unexpressed needs and hurts, joys she couldn’t share, anger pushed back and held in. All of it masked, hiding behind too many drinks, closets and closets overflowing with more clothes and shoes then one person could ever wear in their lifetime, make up to hide the tears and a constant busyness so as not to have time to think or to feel.
It’s all stopped now. There’s no more pretending, no more holding back, just a being, being who she is, right now in this moment. An old lady sitting in a wheelchair, eyes closed, singing a song to which she always knew the words to but could never sing. Now she’s connecting to the truth of who she is and I am blessed to have the opportunity to sit beside her and to listen to her singing her song. Yes, indeed, I’m glad I went to visit her yesterday. It was good. Somehow it helps me forget the hurts of yesterday when I can be with her in the truth of today.
6 comments:
This gave me shivers, brought tears to my eyes, and made me smile all at the same time!! It is so amazing!! I remember little things like this finding their way into the light with my grandfather, who had Alzheimers so severe that he didn't know anything else. I'm so happy that you got to see it happen!!!
Paula
Beautiful...
I love the story of you being with your Mother singing together. I love that your mother was able to be who she is, not who she was. The combination of the circumstances that allowed life to be as true in that moment as it was when it first began. It taught me something that I've been wanting to learn for a long time. You are both wonderful teachers. Thank you.
love always,
Phillis xoxoxoxo
What a beautiful picture you've painted. It reinforces my hopeful belief that the end years of life are not worthless even when they are spent in a wheelchair or without all the faculties we had when we were younger. You know how some people think they're rather be dead than live that way? I suspect that those experiences are of a different sort of value; maybe a less obvious one sometimes.
In the seniors' lodges and nursing homes around here, people are always going in to play for little dances or for singalongs, and these are activities that always draw a big crowd of residents.
Oh so beautiful & right after Mother's Day besides! A very special memory that will live on for a long time to come.
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