Sunday, March 02, 2008

Phobias and Such


I got up looking like someone who had their fingers stuck in an electric socket when the power got turned on. The hair on my head is standing straight up, my face looks like it needs ironing and the dark circles under my eyes are all evidence of the tossing and turning, teeth grinding night I just had. Yesterday I thought if I write about this before I go to bed I won’t be able to sleep so I’ll do it in the morning. Well, I might as well have stayed up and done it. Thinking I could go to bed and sleep like a princess knowing I had to write this in the morning was about as wishful as thinking I could win the lottery without buying a ticket.

Write about some of your phobias the assignment says. Right! It might as well say go sit through a horror movie and don’t sweat, squirm, or scream. But such as it is, it’s what the assignment calls for and its part of the course so here I am about to write about phobias. I’ve come to sit by the window where my computer is making sure to leave the curtains closed in case someone should walk by. One look at me, the bees nest on top my head and my sad sack eyes, and they will be running home to write about their own phobias me being on top of their list.

I’m quite aware of what I’m doing here. I’m running around the track with my words trying to stay away from the real subject. I’m trying to put off the inescapable. I’m trying to muster up enough courage to swallow hard, hold my breath, dive in and get this over with. So here goes. It’s supposed to be one heck of a nice sunny day today.

I know. I know. That’s not it. Okay, here goes - a list of my phobias.

One, I am afraid of public speaking but I am getting better at it and when I do, do it, I feel pretty proud of myself. Two, I am afraid of being invited to go eat at other people’s homes because I’m a fussy eater and there are a lot more foods I don’t like then I do like. I don’t want to have to sit down for a meal they’ve taken the time and effort to prepare and not being able to eat it. And here comes the dreaded one. Number three, I am petrified of mice! That’s what I said. MICE! Just typing the word makes the hair on my body stand at attention like the ones on my head. And just thinking about them creepy looking things makes my stomach feel like someone poured a quart of sour milk into my stomach and milk is on the top of the list of foods I don’t like!

The social phobias, fear of public speaking and fear of eating at someone else’s house, I can handle. They aren’t such a big deal. I mean they make me uncomfortable and I’m leery of making a fool of myself and getting embarrassed but I can use different methods like thought changing, affirmations, meditation and breathing exercises to work my way through it. And when it comes to invites to eat at other peoples places I usually find a way to wiggle out of the invitation or arrange to meet them at a restaurant. And then comes the biggest and very specific phobia – the fear of mice. Excuse me while I get a glass of water....................

Okay. I’ll get through it this time. Mice. They are the most disgusting, skin crawling, dirty, unpredictable, creepy looking, horrific little creatures I have ever seen and they absolutely freak me out. They make me crazy to the point where I no longer function like a normal human being. How such a tiny little varmint could create such havoc in my life is absolutely nuts, but there it is - the makings of a specific phobia.

I would much rather come face to face with a bear than to have one of those little varmints cross my path and I’ve had the experience of both so I know this for a fact. I’ve had the experience of having the cold snout of a bear touch my knee cap and I didn’t for one minute feel as if I was in as much danger as when I had a trailer full of mice popping in and out of heat registers, trail blazing across my bedroom and making a home out of my house and bed.

For a while it was like I was the Pied Piper. At one point I even had a mouse in my car. Unfortunately I didn’t have the means to go out and buy a new one but I seriously considered setting fire to it. However, I didn’t think I could lie my way through the insurance scam. I had no alternative but to keep the car. Each time I approached it, it was like it was a UFO dropped from Mars. When I got close enough, I banged on the body as much as I could without leaving a dent. Next I would open all doors and turn on the radio full blast hoping that the stupid rodent would die of a heart attack. Then I would force myself to get behind the wheel, step on the gas until I could set the car on cruise and get my feet up on the seat fast!

Now the DSM says a specific phobia has as one of its criteria, “a marked and persistent fear that is excessive or unreasonable, cued by the presence or anticipation of a specific object or situation”. The first and last part I can’t argue with but an excessive and unreasonable fear? It “feels” more than reasonable to me. But as much as this is what I “feel”, I “know” there is evidence to the contrary. Most people don’t react the way I do. In fact some people turn those ghastly little creatures into pets and if that isn’t crazy enough some even let them crawl around on them. Ugh......Where’s the bathroom?

This mice thing is a specific phobia for me because my anxiety is immediate when I see a mouse and I become anxious even by writing about it. It is specific because I used to live on a farm and it interfered with my work and now it interferes with what I choose to do, where I walk and where I go. This phobia is hooked into the core of a small child of long ago. A little girl with blonde hair trapped behind barn doors being abused while mice darted back and forth, to and fro. A little girl running wild, going ballistic when one of her classmates picked up a dead mouse on the school ground and swung it in her direction and of the disgusting thing landing somewhere on the back of her neck before once more falling to the ground.

Phobias and such – they sure can leave one tired.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow!! I feel your anxiety and hear the honesty of your feelings in your words. I have no fear of mice but I don't particularily like to hold them. I have been known to live trap them and release them when I have found one in the house and I have also been known to put my cat in the garage when I found a mouse in there. Phobias. An interesting subject to write for sure. Good job Annette.

love always,
Phillis

pat said...

I totally get this about phobias...mine is spiders..YIKES!!!
Almost had a very bad car accident once when a huge daddy long legs came creeping over the visor.
cheers..pat