Deal or No Deal?

This morning I got out of bed, fixed myself a drink and came to sit at the end of the dock. My pen travels across the pages of my journal dropping words from my semi awake consciousness while I sip on my “After Eight” minty hot chocolate.

I don’t care what anybody says, mornings are the best part of the day. Yet I know that half the world would argue that statement saying the opposite is true. I have to agree with them that night time has many pluses yet I still tend to think they would agree with me if they were to jump into my body and zip up my skin.

It’s gorgeous out and it looks like the promise of another hot day. They are numbered now with the arrival of the much cooler nights. The sun has poked its head over the mountains behind me and already it’s softening the sharp cool edge of the crisp morning air.

Now that the sun is out I can see right down to the lake floor even though there is 20 or so feet of water at the end of the dock where I’m sitting. It gives me the illusion of being tall. Not a bad feeling for what some people call a, “vertically challenged” person. From my position up here on the dock and looking down into the water I get a glimpse of what might be other people’s view of things. It gives me the illusion of stepping into another person’s pair of shoes and I get a different perspective and understanding of the other.

In many ways that’s very reflective of what I always try to do just because that’s who I am – someone who loves to step into other people’s shoes and see the world through their eyes and their experiences. To me that’s the kind of thing that makes life worth living and relationships worth having and it’s also why I like to talk to people one on one in a very deep personal kind of way. That’s what I like doing. That’s what makes me feel like I’m taking part in life, like I’m fully immersed and not just bobbing for apples on the surface.

I want to dive in head first and sink my teeth firmly into the flesh of the apple and chew every little bit to get every little bit of flavour there is. That’s what I like. That’s what I want when I am with people. I want to hear about you. Not just the fact that your husband died or that you just reached your all time goal.

I want to hear what you felt like inside, what part of you ached with pain or cried for joy and what that felt like. I want to know how your gut was twisted with pain and choked off your words or how you wanted to scream and shout at the top of your lungs like the four year old you used to be, but you were afraid to and why. That’s what I want to know.

I want to walk with you down the path through the trees if that’s what you need or want me to do but I also want to hold your hand and give you a bridge to walk across. I want to be with you as you go from fear and doubt to daring to step forward with truth and a love for yourself that should never have disappeared in the first place – if that’s what you want me to do. But if all you want is a presence, a witness to your walking up and down the path alone then I can do that too.

That’s who I am and that’s who I continue to want to be out there in the world. That’s what has always spoken to me and what makes life true for me. I supposed that’s why I’ve chosen to study and licence myself in the counselling field but I wish I could live this more every day.

In my prayers to Spirit I keep asking to be guided in a way to serve. I ask for a way to live my full potential as who I am meant to be. I keep saying I’m ready, show me the way but something must not quite be in sync yet or else my ears are plugged with wax again and I can’t hear because all I keep getting is little bits and pieces here and there like the bread crumbs I was feeding the ducks last night and like them I crave for more.

What I’m saying is I write about it, I taste it, I feel it, I ache for it and I do, do it but I want more of it. And maybe that’s where my problem is because before I’ve always said. “I’m okay, I’m good, don’t worry about me, I have enough, it’s alright.” And now I’m saying. “Wait a minute, it’s not enough, I want more, I am capable of more, of deserving more of giving more of who I am. I want to live life more fully, more engaged by doing more of what I love doing, of what makes me stand tall regardless of my physical height.”

Life is strange and even stranger when you stop to analyze it. Sometimes, it is satisfying to stop and reflect and ponder and see where I stand in the midst of it all.

***
On a more down to earth, reality check kind of way here’s a brief rundown of what’s been happening in my continuing saga of trying to land a place to call home. Let’s see, where did I leave off with my last writing. Oh yes, living at my sister’s house wishing they would make the sudden decision to go visit the huge province of Quebec before making their return and we had to leave. Didn’t happen! Neither one. They did come home and we didn’t leave.

We refused the basement suite we were supposed to go rent because it felt so much like a hole in the ground. With no windows to speak of just the thought of moving in there we felt like we were going to shrivel away and die like a plant without water or light. So we forfeited our deposit and walked away. Now what?

Sept. 2nd: We discover an awesome property in Lumby. It is a corner lot with a year round creek flowing on two sides of the property. There’s a lot of junk everywhere, old sheds about to fall down and an old mobile which looks in pretty rough shape. In my mind’s eye, I see it all cleaned up. I see the serenity, the peacefulness, the nurturing place it can become.

Sept. 3rd: We go see the mobile on that property in Lumby. It’s worse then we thought. It’s not really liveable the way it is. We would need to put some money into it to be able to live there even as a temporary measure. With the clean up and the fixing of the place to make it half-ass liveable we estimate we are looking at an extra 30 thousand dollars for sure.

Sept. 5th: Well it’s out there! We’ve put an offer on the property in Lumby. A low one mind you and make the clean-up of the place a condition to purchase. It’s a beautiful location but almost nothing to speak of for a place to live and so much work to do.

Sept. 6th; Diane & Wayne are returning home. We have to find a place to go to today. I add on to my week’s journal writing about Faith and Trust and Hanging on the Edge and how all of these are playing hide and seek in my life right now. “Here I am. Ha, ha, you thought you had me. Catch me and try to hang on to me if you can.”

Our offer is turned down. They counteroffer with a little bit less than their original asking price and refuse the condition of cleaning up the mess. I respond with a 20 thousand dollar hike added to my first offer and agree to their conditions.

Sept. 7th: They counteroffer, again wanting more. We decide to let it go knowing we can go no further and we start our search again. We spend most of the night going through the papers, the MLS listings and the various for sale by owner ads.

Sept. 8th: We’ve found something promising. It’s a mobile in Lake Country. It looks good, it’s been remodelled, it feels good, feels like home and although we are leery as hell about paying a monthly pad rent, it is affordable, inviting and a cozy place to hang our hat. We make a verbal offer and set out to write out the papers for the purchase and present them Monday morning.

Sept. 9th: Sunday. Our realtor calls and tells us that the people who own the property we wanted in Lumby have now decided to accept what our final offer was. It feels like our head is being tossed around back and forth on a ping pong table. “Live here, live there, yes you can, no you can’t.”

We decide to stay with our Lake Country offer and the mobile that feels like home. We tell the Lumby people – too late and no thanks and we set out to find a temporary place to live until this deal goes through. We go to a place called Teddy Bear Lodge and find a place they will rent to us for two weeks while the paper work gets done. When we return to my sister’s place she won’t hear of it and says we are welcome to stay with them until the deal is done. We cancel the temporary digs.

Sept. 10th: Monday. Another day brings another story. One minute it’s there and the next minute – poof – it’s gone! A call to my bank pulls the rug from under our feet and crushes all hope. The mobile home park is on native land and my bank will not even look at lending money on a property that sits on leased native land. We are devastated and at our wits end. Now what?

Once more we entertain the idea of moving to Saskatchewan and looking further into the B & B property we had Kate check out for us. A place we could possibly turn over into a retreat kind of place where people could come to stay and work on their issues and loving themselves. Do we uproot again? Do we let go of all the connections we have here and our ideal place to live? Do I move away from Mom when she might have only a few years left and my plan was to care for her until she died?

We get back on the internet and do more searching. We make more calls. We drive by more places. We call on one. It’s in Kelowna and we had no intention of living there but it sounds not so bad and the price is good.

Sept. 11th: We get our realtor to go show us the place. It’s older then the last mobile we looked at and of course in not so great a shape and it’s smaller but the price is way more reasonable and it’s not on native land. We ponder. Our real estate agent says. “I brought a contract with me. It’s in the truck.” We decide to go to Wendy’s, have supper, and sign the papers. Another offer to purchase is out there.

Sept. 12th: They counteroffer, I counteroffer and finally we decide meeting each other half way and on a price in the middle. Our offer is subject to removal of conditions being financing, house inspection, and being accepted by the park owners, etc. We have a week to remove all conditions. It’s familiar territory. We’ve been here before.

Sept. 13th: We run around taking the steps we need to take, going through the red tape and we wait.
Sept. 14th: I am on a call on my cell phone with the park owner of the property we are trying to buy. My phone beeps that another call is coming in while I’m talking to him. I ignore the beep hoping whoever it is will leave a message. He did.

It’s the owner of the condo by the creek in Vernon. The one I’ve had my eyes on ever since we sold our house. The one with the creek on one side and the pool on the other. The one where I left a business card at the door as often as I dared without having the guy call the cops on me saying I was harassing him.

He’s ready to sell. He’s offering me to go look at the place if I’m still interested. With all the renovations he’s done he’s asking a lot of money. More than we can comfortably afford unless the Universe is planning to send me some magic potion to swing things my way. I will call him. I know I will make myself sick but I want to go see it anyway. I’ll set up an appointment to do so and while I’m waiting I’ll allow myself the luxury of fantasizing and dreaming.

Maybe I could figure out a way to sell some kind of time shares. Buy a week’s worth of time to come and live with two fantastic, crazy, wild women who will offer you home cooked meals, a Reiki session or two, some site seeing of our outer world as well as a trip into the most magnificent place you can go – within - to discover the most magnificent person you could ever want to meet – yourself. Book your time share now for a week, two, or three to a journey you’re not likely to ever forget or regret.

Sept. 15th: Saturday. Today. I sit outside writing about my life and its continuous change of events and I wonder where I would be if I would be rigid and I had not learned to flow with change and all the curve balls life has thrown my way. More than likely I would be hanging from the rafters somewhere screaming to be let down or to be put out of my misery.

I love change and I am usually pretty good at welcoming it but right now, after five months of living the homeless life, (and yet it is ironic that I even write that as I sit here on the beach in front of a multimillion dollar home) I am ready to tell the Universe – enough! What do you say we find a perch, sit back and relax for a while and then get down to the business of being of service and doing what I love doing. Deal or no deal?