Catching Up

I just checked my blog and almost fell off my horse. What? July 9th was my last entry. Where was I, missing in action or something? No wonder I’ve been walking around with guilt nipping me in the butt.

It’s not like I haven’t thought about showing up here. I think about it every day but it’s such a pain in the ass to find an internet connection so I can post stuff. I just went to my journal and I counted 46 pages I wrote in there since I last wrote here. So it’s not that I haven’t been writing, it’s just that I haven’t been writing here.

Here are a few excerpts from my journal pages. Don’t worry. I won’t bore you to death with the whole forty some pages otherwise you’ll never want to come back here.

July 14th – Yesterday, Friday the 13th, was one of the luckiest most special days which I will remember for a long time. I got a phone call from my baby Brenda. (She’s 28 years old but will still always be my baby.) She was calling from Pemberton BC where she and her boyfriend James were renting a cabin for a few days. The call will be one I will remember for a long time.

“James, just asked me a very important question” she said. “He asked me to marry him”. How special it was to hear the excitement in her voice and to share in her tears of joy. Yes, both of us babbled and sniffled and tried to hear each other’s words though our gargly voices.

But it was good, it was all good, as George would say and it was a special moment shared between mother and daughter that I will treasure for a long time. It reminded me of other special moments like when Jody shared with me the same news when she was proposed to or when Karen shared the news of my first grandchild. All special moments a mother treasures in her heart.


July 15th – I’m thinking a whole big part of what I’m meant to do is to give workshops. I like doing group work. It’s challenging, it’s fun, it’s dynamic, and it’s an accelerated learning for all involved. I have to make this happen for myself. It’s where I am meant to be.

....sometimes we don’t “really” believe - deep down – we have to truly believe what we want and we have to believe that we deserve it.
Dear God: Most of all what I want is to have a place of peacefulness and serenity – one which people can come to and be connected to who they are. Every single one of us has a desire to express our magnificence and what I want to do is to teach by who I am. I want to teach empowerment and healing through writing. Do you think you could help me with that?

I have to become much more conscious of my words like “try” and “maybe” and change them to something more powerful like “I will” and “I can”.


July 16th – I want to believe that if I step forward there will be ground for me to step on but I don’t risk taking the step because I don’t trust enough. What if it isn’t there this ground to step on? What if I lose my shirt and end up with nothing, not even a partner to share my life with, what will if others should see me as if I should look the fool and fail – if I should once more step out of the norm and not do what’s expected of me but step out on a limb instead?

What if people shake their heads in disbelief and turn their backs against me or what if I can’t make it after all? What if? What if? What if? None of this is at the forefront on a daily basis but if it comes out in writing in these early morning pages of unconscious brain drain then it must be playing some part in the background and I need to pay attention to it – work on changing that around and letting it go. I do well with it for a while but when I’m tired and no changes are forthcoming I notice this stuff sneaking in the back door and I have to run quick and close the door in its face.


July 17th – There is no sun this morning so it feels considerably cooler than it did for the past 2 weeks. It’s a relief at this point. We’ve been like roasted chicken’s on a barbecue with the record heats we’ve been having; reaching the forties.

The park here is full to the brim. There are people everywhere. Motor homes piled almost one on top another. There is no room to move between sites. We are squished in, lined up like cigarettes in a pack. It’s a massive mess of vehicles and camping units everywhere. It looks like a Wal Mart parking lot on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon and this is what BC people call camping? It’s beyond me!


July 18th – We are so exhausted. It’s been almost 3 months since we’ve sold our house and we’ve been living in the campground. We are not resting or sleeping or even eating well. We are stressed out and some days at our wits end. I never ever imagined it would be so blasted difficult to get back into a place to live.


July 19th – I made another offer on a house and it was refused this morning. This one doesn’t surprise me as I made the offer for quite a bit less than their asking price but for as much as I thought we could afford. I took a shot at it, what else could I do?

I truly believe that writing is one of the most powerful tools there is to work with. I really want to market all the writing workshops I have posted on my website more. My challenge will be to sell the workshops to people who don’t consider themselves “writers”. I’ll go to Tim Buck Two or wherever to market them and teach them. I’ll go anywhere. Out of everything I do it is what I love doing the most.

Having a place where people can come to and spend time to just be and to connect with their soul. A woman’s get away retreat kind of thing. To imagine myself doing that is to see myself living my full potential. It is seeing myself being of service to others in such a meaningful way like there is no other.

To do this is to see myself waking with a smile on my face every day and going to bed at night satisfied and fulfilled because I will have been of service doing what I’m gifted at and love doing. How totally complete my days would be. I got a glimpse of what that would be like when our writing group of women came to stay. I want more of this, more, more, more!


July 20th – Well, I applied for jobs all over the place. I don’t know if I will get a call on any of them but I will follow Spirit’s lead wherever it takes me. Although I have been working towards starting my own business it sure would be reassuring to have a guaranteed income.

I found a place on the internet yesterday and I was totally taken by that place. It was as if they had taken their philosophy, their visions and their respect for the person and their growth straight out of the writings from my journals. How I would love, absolutely love to be part of a place like that. I would be gone in the blink of an eye and never look back.


July 21st – I would scream my lungs out right now if I wouldn’t be hauled away to the nut house. I want to find peace and serenity and calm and the more I look for it, the more noise surrounds me. I tell myself to shut it out, to reach inside but it pounds in my ears like an echo that travels through the mountain side. The sound in my ear is like someone whose heart is beating one hundred miles an hour. Why can’t I quiet the noise and hear my own voice?


July 22nd – I know the Universe has a plan for me. It will all come together. It always does. I am letting Spirit know I am ready for the next part of my journey to be revealed to me.
It’s the inside story that matters, not the outside story. We can’t be attached to our story. It is better to let go of our attachment to our story and to embrace the now instead -to look at what is inside instead of at who or what is to blame. Wise words that once more came my way today.


July 23rd – Charles, Barbara’s husband, died yesterday. I held her and her family close as I went through my day.


July 24th – Every day, it seems I am writing the same words in my journal. Every day I seem to go to the same place – and yet I know a way out is coming – a place where we are meant to be doing our work.


July 25th – I am sitting on the shores of the Okanagan Lake to write today. It’s sort of like going from rags to riches in one day. We have moved to my sister’s place for a week or so. We are to stay here and keep an eye on their place while they are on holiday. Their house is on the market to sell and it is better if there is someone staying here so here we are – aren’t we the pitiful two having to look after this 2.4 million dollar lake side resort. The loons are calling. How beautiful, how peaceful, how grateful I am for these few days of respite from our mad world.


July 26th – I was awakened by hairballs being hurled on the bedroom floor. Pumpkin was sick in 3 different places inside before I managed to get her outside where she was sick in another 3 different spots. Poor thing. She looked so pitiful with her whole body going into spasms heaving and heaving for what seemed like forever. She’s been under a lot of stress too with all the moving around we’ve been doing and hauling her around with us. I hope that’s all it is and not her canned food going bad or a poison infested mouse.


July 27th – I went and spent time with Mom and gave her a bath last night. She is getting more and more confused and more and more stiff with Parkinson’s. It is getting to be difficult to give her a bath by myself. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to do it. I hate to quit though as she really can use an extra bath a week and she enjoys it so. I just hope she doesn’t have to stay in this world much longer. On her better days where she does see herself more, she does not want to be here either but the day we leave is not always ours to choose.


So there it is folks. A recap on some of my going on’s. Sort of a mini version of life 101 from the pages of my journal. I wish I had the cord to hook my camera to the computer and send you pictures to go along with the writings. They would tell a story all of themselves but that too is in storage, God knows where.