Monday, April 23, 2007
Letting It All Hang Out
This is it. This is the week we move out of here. I look at my day timer and I shake my head feeling rather overwhelmed and thinking, “How in the world is all that going to come together without us falling apart?”
I’ve been scratching my head trying to figure out why. Why does this move feel so big when we’ve done this many times before with no worries? That’s when my body jumped in with the answer or at least part of the answer with its many aches and pains and squeaky old joints screaming at me to pay attention. Helloooo. Hellooooo. Remember me?
Does just having had a birthday make me that much older? Does one more year make such a big difference? Am I so darn out of shape that I can’t move as fast or as much as I used to? My body is not only starting to look like an old thickened book with worn out crinkled and creased pages sometimes it sure feels like one too.
Two years ago I thought nothing of hefting all these boxes from the house to a truck and from the truck to wherever it was going but now it’s a source of frustration knowing I have the muscles to do it but the rest of my body can’t. Urgh! It’s like having an itch and not being able to scratch it. But after birthing babies and years of farm work and lifting more then my weight over and over again my pelvic floor ripped and let go.
It’s kind of the same principle as packing too much heavy stuff into a box, lifting it and having the bottom rip open. The box with no bottom doesn’t hold what’s inside. It’s not much different when the pelvic floor let’s go. I’ve had major surgery to repair the damage but it’s like trying to patch a blow out on a tube or taping the bottom of the box. The material is weak and stretched and not as strong as it used to be and there are absolutely no guarantees.
Now how does one get from feeling overwhelmed by the numerous scratches on a day timer to feeling old and a rather intimate, personal discussion about failing body parts? Answer. By sitting at the computer and following the thoughts wherever they may go. That’s what makes writing so interesting. One never knows what will show up on the page. It may not change the situation but it will change how you feel about it. Now on with the day.
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3 comments:
Annette, I hear you. I'm six years ahead of you. I have this very active spirit that has a body with widespread arthritis. I, too could lift books, do my own home repairs, etc. Now..... I've often wondered if somehow I'm missing something. It is this that has nudged me into getting a Masters in Counseling,so I can still be of service. I can practice in a wheelchair, if it comes to that. I'm both imaging otherwise, but also not ignoring my present reality. I guess we just need to somehow work in to acceptance of what is, yet not give up and keep putting one foot in front of the other and somehow thank God for what we do have and creatively deal with it.
Annette, do you have help with those boxes? I know Andree has her own difficulties. I wouldn't want you to "fall through your floor, again!" That's one of the things I'm learning: to ask for help, which for independent me has a hard time doing. I'd come up there myself if I could, but three handicapped women wouldn't be of any help!!! Just know my heart is with you and Andree and sending you calm energy,as you navigate this time in your lives. If I come up with any ideas I'll e-mail you. Take care. Love and Hugs, Linda
Well I'm 20 years behind you and feel like an old lady a lot of times! Luckily I have little kids I can make unload the dishwasher because it's hard on my back to bend over like that and a husband who I can get to lug the vaccuum up and down 3 flights of stairs. It's sad when you're only in your 30s and have to walk your hands up and down your legs to pick up something on the floor or hold onto something befor bending forward so you so you can get back up without throwing your back out! I'm afraid to know what my body will be like in 20 years!
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