There are moments where I want to scratch the instructor’s eyes out in protest of so many assignments; a 5 page research paper, a two page case study and another two pages about resources or lack of.
There are other moments where I sit at the computer, staring out the window, immobilized by a flood of emotions and all I want to do is crawl in a hole and let the leaves which are falling in buckets cover all traces of me.
We are to write this crisis intervention research paper related to an area of professional interest, mine being, women’s issues, grief and loss and caretakers of the elderly.
Of course, me being who I am, wouldn’t think of faking it and going with something less volatile then the most recent, sometimes still raw area where I have unresolved issues. Of course not! I dive right in without even thinking of taking a life jacket and the next thing I know I’ve gone under and I’m gasping for air.
Sleeping, eating, walking, and anything else connected to the daily maintenance of my body are on autopilot including responding to people in a more or less intelligent and coherent way. I’m functioning in a trance like robotic fashion as I force myself to push on with the task ahead.
Although I was aware that the subject matter would certainly hit close to home, I wasn’t prepared for how grueling it’s turned out to be. Trying to inch my way through the flood of emotions that continually overtake me while trying to maintain enough intellectual cognition to put some material together in the form of a paper is proving to be more of a challenge then I expected.
Doing the reading, researching and writing is like walking on a mine field. I never know when one will explode right under my feet and send me into orbit. Stuff that I didn’t or couldn’t deal with at the time explodes like the bomb of Hiroshima and leaves a black mushroom cloud in the air.
It’s a good thing in a way. How can I be there for others if I have unresolved issues that get triggered when they come in to see me? It’s not that I don’t wan to deal with the issues it’s just that my brain is like scrambled eggs and somehow in the midst of the confusion and turmoil I have to pull it together enough to write this paper.
Writefully Yours
Annette
3 comments:
Scrambled eggs! Yes!!! Boy can I understand, as I fight to stay balanced in the midst of so many changes. Granted, I asked for, searched for, begged for these changes. But all at once????
Hugs of love and moral support and candles of light and energy are being sent to you.
Hugs, Paula
That seems to be the way it goes sometimes - all or nothing. The only constant thing in my life lately is change.
Annette
Receiving you without problems Annette. Prayers, blessing with love from here also.
You can and will do this. Look up, sigh, and quiet yourself, slowly.
Watch the leaves fall without following them down. Keep looking up with a deep sigh.......mE
Post a Comment