Unspoken Words

Sometimes I just want to say, screw it!

Why do I keep kidding myself? I’ll never reach this place I want to get to with my writing. Why not walk away from it? Why can’t I turn away from this insatiable monster that keeps nipping at my shins chasing me around every bend? Why?

Why can’t I get rid of this damn thing? This pull to write. To go beyond what I’m doing. To push my limits. To produce something more significant than I have up until now. It just won’t leave me alone. God knows I’ve tried to ditch this incessant need to write but it’s like trying to out-run my shadow or shed my own skin. It won’t give me any peace. It’s permanently attached like barnacles on a whale’s fins.

If only I could do what I know needs to happen which is to get myself out of the damn way. I do sense I’m getting closer to this place where I can shut the door on ego and focus only on the words that want to push their way through to the page, but sometimes I feel like it’s such a fricken slow process, I might as well be trying to empty the lake one cupful at a time.

~~

Yesterday I was telling a friend about buds on the trees, tulips being out of the ground, the crocuses blooming and the pussy willows on the trees. I talked about how I was out raking and cutting the grass the other day and going out for a bike ride. Today it snowed! What the hell? I’m confused. Is it or is it not spring? I’m in total retaliation and how I’m dealing with it is I haven’t even crawled out of my pajamas yet.

There’s a lot I could do but I’m choosing not to. I’m captain of the ship today and I want to just coast along the shoreline. There’s no need to go to the office, no reason to go downtown, no need to fight traffic, no store to go to, no schedule to abide by and no one for me to see. I can just do whatever pleases me. So far that’s been to write – to reach into me, find those unspoken words, and to keep on writing through the doubts and the fears.