It’s a lazy laid-back kind of day. I don’t mind one of those every now and then. Feels rather nice actually.
I almost jumped out of bed this morning. Almost. I was going to race off to the pool in time for the early morning lane swim but decided against it. I thought, no. This is my day to sleep in. I stayed in bed until about 8 am at which time Pumpkin just wouldn’t hear of it anymore. She sits on my chest, pushes her nose up against mine, licks my eyelids hoping to pop them open and see my eyeballs and every 30 seconds or so paws at me in the face as if to say, “Hey, hey, wake up!” There’s only so much poking at my face I can take from this 15 pound hair ball before I decide I might as well give up on the idea of sleep and go to her beck and call.
Giving myself to writing with a few reading intervals from now until I head out the door to make it in time for the later lane swim which goes from noon until 1 pm. As I put down these words, the sun is finally making its way out of the clouds so we just might reach the predicted high of plus 11C (52F) the weather station promised us for today. Maybe after my swim I can take my bike out for a spin and try out that new seat I put on. I’m still not sure if I want to keep it or go back to my old one. It’s a wider saddle this one. Not that my butt got any wider but how sensitive it is, sure has.
I’m sure having a hard time getting used to these damn lines in my journal. I feel so boxed in. It’s like discovering that the relationship you’re in is not where you’re supposed to be at all. Suffocates and chokes the life out of you. I can save money I thought when I saw these Moleskin journals (which I love) being offered at 50% and 75% off. Although I know I don’t like lines and haven’t used them for years, I had not realized just how much it would throw me off. Maybe that’s how a bird which had its wings clipped or a cat which has been declawed, feels.
Reading from Melody Beattie’s book I read the statement: “External circumstances don’t make internal emotions disappear.” A statement which makes one stop and think. It takes us a long time to learn this simple but powerful lesson. We keep thinking another job or a second job, new furniture or new shoes, more friends or outings, a different place or holiday to a different country will do it, but eventually we are made to come back to ourselves and have to feel what we tried to run away from in the first place. I used to be good at that dodge-ball game. I played it well and came up with all kinds of tricks to have a high score. It’s this need to run, avoid, push away, and no longer being able to do that which brought me to knock on a counsellor’s door. At some point it’s a door we all need to knock on and open unless of course we choose to live life by surfing on the surface. I never could do that. I always had and continue to have a need to dive deep below the surface and feel.
“Spend time in solitude with your artist child.” That’s what Julia Cameron says. I believe her. I know I need that for myself. Every day when I sit at my desk I look at a card a friend sent me a year or so ago and I’ve kept in front of me since then. Just looking at this picture of a young woman dressed in hiking gear reminds me off coming back to solitude, to times of reflection, times by the water and in nature and how all of it is so important for me. It speaks to me at a level I can’t quite explain. Looking at the picture makes me feel like I’m the one in that scene sitting grounded with the earth underneath me looking out at the mountains, watching reflections dance on the surface of the water, breathing in the fresh air, feeling the light breeze on my face as I reflect on where I am and where I’ve been.
I almost jumped out of bed this morning. Almost. I was going to race off to the pool in time for the early morning lane swim but decided against it. I thought, no. This is my day to sleep in. I stayed in bed until about 8 am at which time Pumpkin just wouldn’t hear of it anymore. She sits on my chest, pushes her nose up against mine, licks my eyelids hoping to pop them open and see my eyeballs and every 30 seconds or so paws at me in the face as if to say, “Hey, hey, wake up!” There’s only so much poking at my face I can take from this 15 pound hair ball before I decide I might as well give up on the idea of sleep and go to her beck and call.
Giving myself to writing with a few reading intervals from now until I head out the door to make it in time for the later lane swim which goes from noon until 1 pm. As I put down these words, the sun is finally making its way out of the clouds so we just might reach the predicted high of plus 11C (52F) the weather station promised us for today. Maybe after my swim I can take my bike out for a spin and try out that new seat I put on. I’m still not sure if I want to keep it or go back to my old one. It’s a wider saddle this one. Not that my butt got any wider but how sensitive it is, sure has.
I’m sure having a hard time getting used to these damn lines in my journal. I feel so boxed in. It’s like discovering that the relationship you’re in is not where you’re supposed to be at all. Suffocates and chokes the life out of you. I can save money I thought when I saw these Moleskin journals (which I love) being offered at 50% and 75% off. Although I know I don’t like lines and haven’t used them for years, I had not realized just how much it would throw me off. Maybe that’s how a bird which had its wings clipped or a cat which has been declawed, feels.
Reading from Melody Beattie’s book I read the statement: “External circumstances don’t make internal emotions disappear.” A statement which makes one stop and think. It takes us a long time to learn this simple but powerful lesson. We keep thinking another job or a second job, new furniture or new shoes, more friends or outings, a different place or holiday to a different country will do it, but eventually we are made to come back to ourselves and have to feel what we tried to run away from in the first place. I used to be good at that dodge-ball game. I played it well and came up with all kinds of tricks to have a high score. It’s this need to run, avoid, push away, and no longer being able to do that which brought me to knock on a counsellor’s door. At some point it’s a door we all need to knock on and open unless of course we choose to live life by surfing on the surface. I never could do that. I always had and continue to have a need to dive deep below the surface and feel.
“Spend time in solitude with your artist child.” That’s what Julia Cameron says. I believe her. I know I need that for myself. Every day when I sit at my desk I look at a card a friend sent me a year or so ago and I’ve kept in front of me since then. Just looking at this picture of a young woman dressed in hiking gear reminds me off coming back to solitude, to times of reflection, times by the water and in nature and how all of it is so important for me. It speaks to me at a level I can’t quite explain. Looking at the picture makes me feel like I’m the one in that scene sitting grounded with the earth underneath me looking out at the mountains, watching reflections dance on the surface of the water, breathing in the fresh air, feeling the light breeze on my face as I reflect on where I am and where I’ve been.
Photo credit: Lola Sherstobitoff
3 comments:
I had to look twice at that photo, Annette, and see that woman's pigtails before I realized that it was NOT you!
Your words really resonate with me today. I realized, recently, that all I have done for the past two years is to mask the real issue in my life. For two years I put cute little bandaids on the problem but they didn't heal anything. It's true what they say ... the truth shall set you free. Wish I'd come to that understanding with myself a lot sooner ... but then, again, I wouldn't be who I am right now. Every little blink or blip has shaped me and, since I'm happy with my growth, I will not complain.
“External circumstances don’t make internal emotions disappear.”
On the other hand, they do seem to make internal emotions appear!
Oh Paula, you don't know how often I heard those words coming out of the mouth of the person who was my guide on a good part of my journey - "the truth shall set you free." Yep, it's ture alright.
Kate - you're absolutely right. External circumstances certainly can make internal emotions appear! Been on that train too.
Thanks for stopping by you two.
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