....and I am deeply saddened by what I hear.
Why I ask myself, why? Not so much why are you dying, for that’s the one thing we’re are all sure of, that one day we are going to die, but why choose to die in such a way that you shut others out? Why not surround yourself with those you love and those who love you? Why not say goodbye’s and allow goodbye’s to be heard?
Why after drawing life from community when living would you shut community out when you’re dying? Why would you draw life from others throughout your journey and when approaching the end of your life you throw road blocks on this path you’ve always followed. You segregate yourself by not answering calls and locking the door on the outside world that is waiting to support and honour your life? It just doesn’t make sense to me.
I ask why, not in judgment, (Lord knows, it’s not for me to judge, nor do I have any desire to do so), but in questioning, in searching for answers that elude me. I stand in the background, far in the background since my own ties with you were severed a long time ago – a choice you made and I was forced to honour. Another of your choices to cut yourself off from......from what? Reality? Truth? From pain? From feeling betrayed by others, by life? From not knowing how to accept therefore turning the other way? These are all questions that spin around in my mind and that get spit out at random like bingo balls let out of the chute.
It is hard for me to understand why in your death you would deny yourself everything and everyone you ever drew life from. I know that change was always difficult for you to accept and that this is the ultimate of change that has been thrown at you. I can’t pretend to know what that’s like. I don’t. Nor do I know what it’s like to wake every morning knowing that this illness will soon take your life.
What I do know is that the knowledge that you are dying has brought me to my knees many times and that no matter what’s happened or not happened between us, I still hold you close to my heart. What else I know is that how you die, as much as how you lived, will greatly impact those you leave behind. I also know that while you are dying, you are still living and I am saddened that you are not using this time to allow yourself to be touched and to be in touch with other people’s love for you.
When I try to step in your shoes from this place in the distance where you have kept me, i am faced with what I would imagine is the same heart wrenching question you must have asked yourself: “Do I embrace living or do I prepare to die?” and I’m not sure what my own answer would be. No, I am not judging. I am just questioning, trying to understand, to make sense for myself.
You have chosen to have only your children around you. Is that wrong? Of course not. It is not wrong. Difficult for those who love and want to share that love with you, but not wrong. Perhaps it is what you see as the best way to embrace life in the time you have remaining just like I see this writing as a way for me to embrace the questions and the sadness I feel. I’m sending you love and light on your journey.
4 comments:
I can hear your pain Annette. It reminds me of a story about a friendship broken and a bench. Not sure if it's the same person but I know you hold love close to your heart for all your family and friends and even strangers. That is who you are. Sometimes I wonder if when we are at the end of our life, if we protect others by not letting them see the suffering or perhaps we are afraid of our physical changes that might frighten or change how our friends might remember us. I have never died so I can't answer but I'm just throwing out words that came to mind. It will be as the person dying wants it. I think we have more control over our death than we will ever have over our life. Writing your words honour your friend and she will understand and you also will be okay in time.
love always,
Phillis xoxoxoxo
I hope you will send this note to her. See if one of her kids read it to her. Read it, then say who wrote it. You both need the closure before it is too late.
Sorry to hear about this Annette, I guess we can't put ourselves in someone elses head at a time like this. It sounds like a lot of fears there. It just doesn't seem right though, not allowing others to say their good byes.
Sharon
"How you die, as much as how you lived, will greatly impact those you leave behind."
So very true, Annette.
Sorry to hear about your friend.
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