Journal Musings

11:50 p.m. Friday January 25th
I got cut short on my writing today and I’ve been suffering ever since. And now it’s late again and I’m dog tired and stressed out from all the confusion in my head. It’s like there’s a frickin ping-pong tournament going on up there and I can’t do anything to stop it.

It seems the more I try to gain some clarity, in trying to figure out how I’m going to do business, the more confusion sets in. I feel like I’m drowning and every time I reach out for what looks like a life jacket it turns out to be something that implodes upon impact and disintegrates into a million tiny pieces. And those million tiny pieces is what someone up there is playing ping-pong with. A master tournament I might add. A fight for championship or something.

So there I am still madly doing the dog paddle hoping to find some solution before it’s too late. I felt focused for a while and now I feel like I’ve lost my way again and it’s pissing me off. Where am I heading? Why is it not clear? I will never get it if it’s not clear. The Universe can’t provide if I don’t know what I want. I’m feeling frazzled. Feeling overwhelmed. There’s too much to figure out, too much happening, too little time. Or at least that’s the way it feels right now. I wish I had more time to write, to think, to see my way through this but I can’t. I’m too tired. I must sleep.

11:55 p.m. Saturday January 26th
It was Andree’s birthday today. I got up feeling the same way as when I went to bed, frazzled, wondering how I would get through the day when there was so much on the agenda and I wanted things to go smoothly for Andree’s special day yet I didn’t see how it could all fall into place. So no matter how pressured for time I felt, I took time to write in the morning and I set the intention. I said I don’t know how this day will transpire but I am setting the intention that it will all fall into place somehow.

Well, I should have known. The day unfolded as it should and everything happened in its own good time with no need to panic. I even got a call from my sister saying, “If your day is too busy today I will go see Mom and you can go tomorrow instead.” With that I even had time to fit in a relaxing bath before heading out for supper and an evening performance with a blues singer and guitar player, Matt Anderson and what an evening it was! Wow! Talk about someone who lives his passion. His music comes from his soul. He is his music. Andree and I kept closing our eyes and seeing him and another friend Cindy both sitting around a campfire with their guitar on their laps belting out some tunes while the rest of us like minded writing souls couldn’t sit still and did some swinging to the beat of the blues. What a blast! A person couldn’t help but get carried away with the energy of it all.

12 noon January 27th
I am at the Blenz coffee shop. It has become a special little corner for me to come to after Sunday service. It’s a “me” time of quite reflection and writing after I’ve been imbued with some powerful thoughts and words from the Sunday celebration of life. I like sitting here by the big huge windows watching people drift by and make their way to their various destinations of wherever it is they need to go. I too use this time to allow my mind to drift wherever it needs to go.

There’s a band that plays at church and I know the lady who sings there. Her name is Barbara and her love of music is infectious too. She is another one who embodies her gifts and shares them with the world. Her energy, when she is living her passion is so strong that it permeates throughout the huge auditorium and touches everyone there. I always show up early to hear them play before the service begins and to take time to write in my journal as well. Today, to my great disappointment and almost panic, I realized I had forgotten my Cross pen at home.

But guess what? I survived. I had to borrow one at church and again when I got here at the coffee house. Of my God! Now there’s an analogy! Let go. Quit being attached to an idea of what I think I need. Trust and the Universe provides. I just have to be willing to let go of the familiar and be willing to ask for what I need. True. Very true. But first I have to be clear on what I want and need. Just like I was clear I needed a pen to write and my goal was to get a pen no matter what.

My mind drifts. How wonderful it would be to have an office something like a loft with huge windows somewhere downtown here. Close to the colleges and easy for people to access. An appealing, inviting, nurturing place for people to come to. Something funky even. Different perhaps then what you would expect from a conventional counselling office. A place where I could see clients as well as give workshops. A place where I could concentrate my energies on giving of who I am, on empowering people to be all that they can be, on making contact with their magnificence. A place where I could teach workshops about empowerment and the value of the written word by guiding people to do individual journaling, group journaling, therapeutic writing and creative writing. A place where I could live my passion like Barbara and Matt Anderson.

Some days I get all pumped up when I think about living life with passion doing what I love to do and other days I get so tired and exhausted trying to figure out how to get more clarity around it and trying to figure out the how. Maybe I have to let it all go just like the thing with my pen this morning. Maybe I have to let go of the idea of what I think it needs to look like to live my passion. Maybe I just have to be open to whatever it shows up as. Maybe.

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