A Visit With Mom

I went to see Mom yesterday.

Just as I was bending down to say hi to her, one of the care aids signalled me to go talk to her. I said a quick hello to Mom and told her I would be right back then went to see what she wanted.

“It hasn’t been a very good day for Mom” she said. “She had her eyes closed and she was waving her hands like she was trying to swim and saying the water was way too high and she’s been saying all kinds of things that don’t make sense, she even accused me of trying to kill her.”

She was right. Mom was a mess. She was confused, angry, frustrated, agitated, paranoid and just plain miserable in her skin. I left there in tears. It’s awful to see her like that. I feel so helpless wishing I could help her somehow yet all I can do is try to calm her down and change her thoughts to more pleasant ones.

So I took her for a walk and talked with her while I pushed her in her wheelchair. We went around the building and back again. I held her hand and asked her why she was so angry and talked to her about different things. It seemed to help a little bit but she still remained uneasy and agitated. Often she tried to say something and I couldn’t make it out and that didn’t help any.

She is very hard to hear and understand at the best of times because her voice is always a very low monotone. Her words don’t come out much louder than a whisper. When things are not going right for her she is even harder to understand because she starts to say something and only few words come out and the rest of her words stay stuck somewhere inside her. Or her mind jumps to something else before she can finish the first thought so whatever words come out don’t connect to the first ones she said.

Poor Mom, all her life she swallowed her words, never once saying what she thought, how she felt, what her opinion was and now she would like to say what she thinks and feels and her words are stuck somewhere deep inside.

She wants to talk and she wants to get up and walk and move and her words won’t come and her body won’t cooperate. She’s a prisoner in her own body. It’s so sad to see her stuck in a body that no longer functions the way it’s supposed to and with a mind that won’t go where she wants it to go. It’s very, very sad.

I spent close to two hours with her and then I had to go. I got in the car drove away and cried. In a way I wish I could have stayed, not just for a while longer but forever. I wish I could have stayed and reassured her and made her feel better. I wish I could have taken her in my arms and held her and rocked her and said “hush, hush, don’t you worry, everything will be all right”.