An Open Letter To My Son

Dear Kevin:

It doesn’t matter how many years go by, I still miss you.
I don’t think that ever changes for a mother. A mother is a mother, is a mother whether her child is there or her child is gone. As you know, every year on your birthday and on November 23rd, the day you left us, I always spend some special time in meditation with your spirit.

In the earlier years it felt like someone stuck their fingers in behind my rib cage and slowly ripped my heart out one muscle at a time. I screamed in protest and doubled over in agony wanting the pain to stop and at the same time desperately wanting to hang on to it. In some strange way feeling that pain was the only way I could keep you close to me and it was never my choice to let you go.

But, as we all know, and as many others who have lost someone will attest to, sometimes that choice is made for us. And no matter how many times we ask. Why? Why me? Why my son? Why my mother? Why my husband? There is no answer to the why. At least not one we want to hear because no matter what the answer is, it still doesn’t bring back the person we loved. The only thing left for us to do, the only thing we can do, is to ever so slowly let go and Trust.

And that Kevin has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do and the greatest lesson I’ve ever learned – to embrace my pain, to slowly let go and to Trust. And although I would, in the blink of an eye, give my life so yours could return, I know it’s no more in my power to do that then it was for me to keep you here. I’ve had to slowly embrace that too over the years.

I Trust that you left with your heart full and I Trust that in your leaving you know of the gifts you have left behind. I know I have received the gift of realizing how precious life is, how important it is to be present to every moment, to live it for what it is and to be grateful for what it brings.

I have been gifted with a knowing of how important it is to be true to oneself and how important it is for me to strive for truth and authenticity to be part of my life. I have been given a keener sharper awareness of what love and compassion and stepping into another person’s shoes means and how important it is to allow laughter, tears, hopes and dreams to be part of life too. It seems everyday in some way I lean a little further into the lesson and the gift of Trust. Thank you for being part of my life and for bringing this teaching to me.

With love
Mom